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So, what's the deal with veggie pizza?

April 12, 2013

So what's the deal with veggie pizza?

Why ruin something as perfect as pizza with fruit's less-popular and less-liked cousin, vegetables?

Vegetables aren't good — there is a reason why you have to cover them in ranch dressing and cheese to make them taste semi-edible.

I've never said, "Hey, do you know what this pizza is missing? Lawn clippings — now it will taste good!"

A pizza is a dish reserved for tons of meat, cheese, spices and whatever else you can think of to throw on it that will make your stomach hurt later.

Vegetables served on top of pizza still aren't healthy, because they're still on top of a pizza, which is one of the least-healthy meals out there.

It's almost the equivalent of wrapping an onion around a cigarette and saying it's healthier because a vegetable touched it.

I'll admit that example was exaggerated, but you get the point.

Pizza, it's delicious, not nutritious, and has everything you could want in food.

Everybody likes pizza,; everybody doesn't like vegetables.

Hidden Valley isn't a real place, and fruit is always the preferred choice.

Salad is served before the main entree for a reason and should not be placed on top of it.

There is reason why I always show up late to dinner parties; it's so I miss the salad.

I won't even discuss the "real veggie pizzas" served on crescent rolls over cream cheese because that legally isn't a pizza.

The dictionary definition of pizza has the word "savory" in it, and there is nothing savory about that train wreck of an appetizer.

Vegetables are only semi-enjoyable when you smother them in something that tastes better.

We'll go down the list — corn is only good when it is smothered in butter and salt and pepper.

It's no wonder why the Children of the Corn had so many issues; I'd go crazy if I was constantly surrounded by vegetables, too.

You've never seen those kind of issues from Strawberry Shortcake, Johnny Appleseed or Frankenberry.

I take back Frankenberry; anyone who hangs with Boo Berry and Count Chocula really can't have his life together.

Also, lettuce be honest with each other, the Veggie Tales crew could never take down an attack by the killer tomatoes, which are technically considered fruit.

That was directed to you, Bob the Tomato; you're on the wrong team. I don't care how good Archibald Asparagus is at navigating a boat, he can't escape the killer tomatoes, no one can.

Iceberg lettuce, another terrible vegetable, is bland and is insensitive to fans of the film "Titanic."

Broccoli, asparagus, carrots, peas and cauliflower all require the assistance of a more delicious dressing or substance.

Veggie pizza doesn't even contain the coolest culinary vegetable, the pumpkin.

Their seeds are great, they can be carved to look like anything, and they are worshiped by certain members of the Peanuts gang.

I don't see Linus making a trip out to an onion field every Halloween.

Try carving an onion to make it look scary. It can't be done, the whole process will just make you cry.

Also, nobody ever flavors candy or bubble gum after vegetable flavors. Cherry, green apple, peach, blue raspberry, watermelon... The list goes on, and none of those are vegetables. I certainly don't recall ever eating a carrot or broccoli Tootsie pop.

Speaking of gum, I can't get Bubblicious to respond to any of my letters for new gum flavors. I don't get why they don't think pen cap- or fingernail-flavored gum isn't a good idea.

I mean, people already chew on both of those things; now they can chew longer. I'll try sending the letter to Skoal instead. Maybe that company could turn my idea into a delicious chaw and make me billions.

By the way, vegetables, you can have the mango. They sure do look delicious, but boy, do they taste like batteries. If I wanted that sweet alkaline taste, I'd head to Radio Shack, roll up a few triple As in some
tortilla bread and save myself from having to use a stupid mango peeler.

Hawaiian pizza is my recommended substitute to replace veggie pizza.

It is covered with pineapple, a fruit, and ham, a pig.

You're combining pieces of Spongebob's house with the main character from Charlotte's Web; what a scrumptious adventure that provides fun for the whole family.

Dan Long is a sports reporter for The Spirit and Jefferson County Neighbors. He'll take the meat-lover's pizza with extra cheese, hold the nutrition.

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