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So what's the deal with tall people?

May 17, 2013

So what's the deal with tall people?

They think they're better than everyone just because they're a little bit closer to the sun and know when it's raining slightly before everyone else.

They're always hitting their heads off stuff, and they don't fit into anything.

If you happen to get into place behind one of these redwoods at a parade or sporting event, good luck seeing anything.

Admittedly, they're ideal for basketball, volleyball, high shelves and chicken fights in the swimming pool, but other than that, what are they good for?

They make a game of leap frog much tougher, and a tall person hasn't won hide-and-seek in over a decade.

Those human step ladders think they're better than everyone because they breathe air at a higher elevation, as if they're too good for short people's air.

Tall people also think they're superior because they can ride everything at Kennywood, but guess which ride they can't handle — the car ride home.

If you have the misfortune of riding behind a tall person in the car, I hope you brought salt, pepper, soy sauce and oregano, because you're going to be eating your knees in the back seat.

In order for a tall guy to sit in a front seat, he has to move his seat all the way back.

It does, however, give the backseat rider a chance to practice his or her cannonball for the swimming pool, because that is his or her basic position in the rear seat.

To be fair, summer is coming soon, so at least an uncomfortable car ride can lead to an elevated status at the local swimming pool.

Another suggestion for the unfortunate backseat riders: You can try and fold your legs into a pretzel instead of the cannonball, but you will still have to pack the salt.

I know all the negatives of tall folks, because, I must sadly admit, I am a tallie, which is what we prefer to be called. I am a "noodly" 6' 7" with long, skinny arms and legs.

I can traditionally be seen walking around town, flexing my arms near on-lookers and asking if they want tickets to the spaghetti festival.

With my giant stature, I have found part-time work holding up the moon. It's terrible pay and has caused me back problems at a young age, but it's the only work I've found to take advantage of my Lunar Studies minor from college.

I used to spin in circles with a light on my head near the ocean, but lighthouse work always made me dizzy, and I traditionally ended up falling in the ocean.

It's hard to get work doing tall guy stuff.

The abominable snow monster from the Rudolph movie only got work one day a year from putting the star on the top of the Christmas tree.

At least he was a productive member of society, unlike Godzilla.

Godzilla has made tall creatures look bad everywhere. Is it too much for him to ask to fight Mothra and Gigan in a large open field somewhere instead of leveling Tokyo every time?

The Jolly Green Giant has done well in the vegetable and advertising business, but I trust very few people who don't wear pants.

I've tried to follow in Paul Bunyan's footsteps and have done some lumber work, but the noodle arm issue has limited my axe-wielding potential, and I'm tired of getting arrested for painting oxen blue.

Fellow tall people, we don't fit into today's society, and shopping for clothes that fit correctly is like searching for buried treasure.

So, to tallies everywhere, I say we climb back up the beanstalks from whence we came and leave the small citizens of earth alone.

Dan Long is a sports reporter for The Punxsutawney Spirit and Jefferson County Neighbors. Despite his height, he can slip into the office virtually undetected.

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