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So what's the deal with orange juice with pulp?

August 2, 2013

So what's the deal with orange juice with pulp? Does anybody prefer it that way? I don't see where chewing my orange juice makes it any more delectable.

I feel that OJ that needs to be run through a Brita filter is something that shouldn't be sold to the public. With OJ with pulp, I feel if I really wanted to, I could reconstruct part of orange from the pieces left behind. Maybe I could use tomato paste to glue it together since they are fellow fruits.

OJ with pulp has always made me feel as if I was drinking an unfinished product. If that's the correct protocol for making products, then I should be able to purchase fish with nets, sliced ham with the knife attached and bananas with tarantulas.

If they're going to leave bits and pieces of the innards of an orange in OJ, why stop there? They should include the peel, leaves, dirt, fingernails from the hand that picked it and flies present from when the orange was extracted from the tree if they want to be truly genuine.

The only orange juice that should still have pulp in it should be the Simply Orange brand. Actually, Simply Orange should just be a whole orange sitting in a plastic container, like the name implies.

You shouldn't be able to drink it; it should just be a fun puzzle where you try to get the orange out of the container. The only way you should be able to drink it is if you have a really long straw that could reach to and penetrate the orange, and then, and only then, could you suck the juice out of it.

All the Simply juice products should follow the custom I proposed and just be fruits sitting in plastic containers.

Simply Orange with pineapple would be the toughest, as a whole pineapple itself would be hard to fit in a plastic container, let alone the feature act, the orange, fitting in as well.

I wish The Simply Orange Juice Company would listen to my email and make Simply Snickers, which is just a Snickers bar with an outer casing to protect it from the elements.

If you shook the container up enough, you could have scrambled Snickers, which is one of the many delicious recipes that can be made from Simply Snickers.

On a side note, why does anyone drink grapefruit juice? To call grapefruit a fruit is apple-ing because it isn't berry good. It tastes terrible and it has a dumb name.

Whoever named fruits was super uncreative. Grapefruit is just two other words for fruit — one being fruit — that were jumbled together to name the third worst fruit.

The gold medal of terrible fruits belongs to the honeydew melon, the silver medal goes to the cantaloupe and the bronze belongs to the almighty grapefruit. An honorable mention should go to the mango for tasting like batteries.

Some of the names for fruits are spot on, if not a tad generic at times. Blueberries, nailed it; it's a blue berry, the system works. Watermelon, a juicy, water-logged melon, that's all good in the hood, G.

Cranberries and strawberries are awesome, but their names don't make any sense.

I have no idea what a "cran" is, and strawberries have nothing to do with straws.

There are probably scientific explanations for all these things, but that's boring and I don't wanna research that.

Don't even get me started on pineapples. Technically, pineapples should just be apples connected to a Christmas tree. They would save people time from putting ornaments on a tree, but I imagine those apples would taste a little like Pine-Sol, so it's a win-lose situation.

I could try to provide a legitimate reason for why some fruits have been given odd names, but I'd just be grasping at strawberries.

Finally, here is my solution for the OJ with pulp dilemma: don't drink it. Actually, don't drink any juice, drink Kool-Aid instead; it's better, like way better.

I know juice is healthier, but Kool-Aid tastes better, and you only live once (YOLO) unless you're a cat, then YOLN — you only live nine (lives).

Dan Long is a sports reporter for The Punxsutawney Spirit and Jefferson County Neighbors. He prefers to strain all his drinks.

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