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Sharks: Circling the dangerous edge of cuteness

December 15, 2012

So, what's the deal with sharks?

Sharks have been the feared subject of many blockbuster movies, and even have a week dedicated to them every summer on television.

But I am calling sharks out, because they have become lame in recent years and are no longer the scary king of the sea they once were considered.

I fear that if something is not done, sharks will be talked about in the same sentences as the mighty mollusks, the most boring sea creatures of all.

There were only 79 unprovoked shark attacks in 2010, and only 6 people died as a result.

To make matters worse, only four of the 360 species of sharks
are considered dangerous to humans.

That means that I may have to punch 356 boring sharks before I find one that isn't going to take my sass.

Statistics show that in the United States alone, 450 people die annually from falling out of bed.

Maybe a few were caused by shark-related nightmares, but the evidence is inconclusive.

It should also be noted that the U.S. leads the world in deaths from falling from beds with 450, while Japan comes in second with a mildly groggy 202.

These stats make sleeping seem extremely dangerous, and lying on a bunk bed now feels like a life or death game of balance.

These statistics make The Nightmare on Elm Street films seem like an optimistic scenario for unsuspecting sleepers, since the total deaths from all the movies is less than a fourth of the deaths from falling out the side of the bed.

It doesn't make Freddy seem nearly as scary; rather, just a waste of a dream, since a lack of a bed rail is a much greater foe.

It should also be mentioned that the United States leads in annual deaths from falling from ladders with a whopping 355.

The motto for many foreigners who want to live in these great States promises that with hard work, anyone can climb the ladder of success, but the U.S. must teach proper ladder climbing techniques before I'll try to make my way to the top.

There are an additional 1,307 annual deaths from falling down stairs. A sub-purpose of this column is to give residents of the United States a newfound appreciation for elevators.

Also, 1995 was a bad year for vending machines, having two fatalities from tipovers that year, which was also two more deaths than those that came from sharks.

I am extremely thankful no pop rocks were present, because we may have faced an even grander tragedy.

It is sad that two unsuspecting victims back in '95 ended up being subject to lame Orange Crush jokes, but it is even sadder that it made sharks look lamer.

Also, 823 deaths a year are caused by choking in the U.S. alone, and since gummy sharks can be pretty hard to chew, they are a much bigger risk of killing you than an actual shark.

What a delicious death sentence. At only 110 calories per serving, which consists of five sharks, obesity will not be the cause of
death for anyone eating this diet-friendly treat.

Overall, shark attacks have seen a decrease since the year 2000, with just 80 attacks over that time frame.

The past four years have seen an increase.

However, I believe this could be because the oil spills in the water have made people a tastier option.

The oil is still being cleaned out of the ocean, so eventually, people are going to go back to tasting terrible.

We can remedy this situation, though, by becoming more delicious.

My proposition to help sharks: start swimming with pepper in your pockets to make yourself tastier.

I accidentally bit my hand a few weeks ago, and it was only semi-delicious. I can definitely understand why no shark wants to eat me; I could surely use some help from a spice rack.

The ocean already has salt; the sharks need pepper. Also, don't rule out swimming with oregano or chutney.

Hollywood will lose money if sharks continue to be boring.

Sharks were once feared creatures. We need to bring them back to that status before they are considered cute.

Help take a bite out of safe-swimming statistics.

Dan Long is a sports reporter for The Punxsutawney Spirit and Jefferson County Neighbors.

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