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McGuire's Musings: Upgrading to a smartphone just upgraded my IQ

February 14, 2014

I was shopping in a store that will go nameless the other day when someone asked me what the time was.

So, I reached into my pocket and pulled out my smartphone and apprised them of the time.

It wasn't that long ago when I would've looked at my Steelers wristwatch to apprise someone of the time.

Now, there's no more worrying about losing my wristwatch, just my smartphone.

Does anyone go through lost smartphone hysteria?

We all have at one time, when you reach to where you keep it and realize it is gone.

Then you ask to use someone else's phone to call your phone and hear your favorite ringtone, which could be the theme song from "Rocky and Bullwinkle."

Once you hear that sound coming from the trash can down the street, you breathe a sigh of relief.

When I get home, I go to my laptop and hop on the Internet to check my email, and then, if I have time, check everyone's status on Facebook.

I still receive some junk mail delivered to my home by the Postal Service. But it doesn't even compare to the 300 pieces of "junk" mail that I have to wade through at my work computer and laptop every hour.

I always kid around that I'm going to hire someone to delete my emails both at home and work. Probably not — it's easier to ignore them until my inbox reaches 5,000.

I was thinking about the weather again. I used to watch local television to learn the forecast.

Now, I grab my smartphone and touch the screen and whammo — there's the weather for the next 300 weeks.

I should point out that I recently bought a new smartphone to replace my other phone that was anything but smart.

My "dumb" phone would lock up, freeze up and do any other kind of freezing that you could imagine — and I never once put it in the freezer.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my smartphone and being able to check the weather, sports scores and social media 24/7.

I also enjoy keeping in touch with friends and family members who are miles from the Weather Capital of the World.

One day, I decided to jump on my favorite search engine and attempted to find the exact location of this thing we call the Internet that was supposedly invented by Al Gore.

I couldn't find it — not even my GPS could locate its location.

Speaking of GPS, one guy who I know changed the voice on his GPS from a woman to a man. His reason?

Because he didn't want another woman telling him what to do, especially when it came to directions.

I always enjoy when she tells me where to go and it's not where I want to be.

I want to go and visit the Internet. I'm sure it's in the building where Flo sells insurance in that sanitized white showroom.

I picture it as being pure white, trimmed with gold, with big, tall gates and 50 bazillion floors.

One for sports, one for social media and another one for housewares and foundations, whatever that is.

I've never admitted this to anyone, but I have a Twitter account. Why? I'm not sure.

I don't use it because I could not keep my message to the few letters or characters that I'm limited to.

I've noticed the No. 1 cause of trouble in today's world is caused by Twitter. Once you hit that send button, there's no taking it back.

It's there for all to see, including famous athletes and Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr.

Back to my get-rich scheme. I'm going to create an App.

If you go to your App store on your smartphone, there are thousands of Apps, some that are free and some that are not.

I'm more interested in creating an App that will make me a lot of money.

Like some Apps, it can be free for the first month, and then I'll send users constant reminder messages to annoy them into paying me money.

All that's left is figuring out what my App should be.

Maybe an App that you click on to create the kind of weather most enjoy.

I think that right now, a sunny and warm App would be kind of cool.

Based on the latest weather, I could make a killing with it.

Uh-oh, I've just received an annoying cricket sound signaling that I've got another text message.

I'll attempt to answer those messages as long as I can get autocorrect to allow me to use my own words, not the ones it wants me to use.

Spirit reporter Larry McGuire may rely on his smartphone, but he's smart enough to know when to silence the ringer.

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